It’s been 3 months since we last spoke properly, and about 2 months since you text me and I said I didn’t want to see you again. It’s been about a month since I said we should talk this through, then you said yes, and I told you that the only thing I could do was be civil to you; that if we see each other around, I would do you the courtesy of being nice.

I don’t know what it is about you that I miss so much, or why I should even miss you at all. You were selfish and pig headed, often you never thought about my feelings, you were so self serving and ultimately you tossed me away in the end when you didn’t need me. What I miss the most is the fact that we were able to share everything, and I could tell you all my tiny little thoughts, no matter how stupid or inconsequential they were, and you would reassure me. You’d tell me not to kill myself, or not to give up. You’d believe in me and indulge me in my delusions that I could actually succeed and be someone.

I think the underlying truth is that really you were the thing inhibiting me all along, and stopping me from getting on with my life. Our friendship was destructive, not creative, and I always knew it would reach this point. I made so many excuses for you, but in the end you were an arsehole.

I loved you and gave you 110%. I was such a loyal friend and you never, ever appreciated that. What makes me even angrier is i think you never will appreciate it. So why am I wasting my time thinking about you? Thinking about what you think of me? What do you tell other people? Do you even care anymore?

Sometimes I think about talking to you to resolve all these questions, but I know that ultimately it would do more damage than good. I worry about seeing you around because inevitably I know it will happen. And I just know that you want to see me fail, which is what hurts the most, and so I’m harder on myself because I don’t want to give you that pleasure. Then I punish myself for letting you feel like I should belittle myself when I have already achieved so much.

What’s even sadder is I’m waiting for you to learn your lesson, but perhaps you never will. All I want is to forget about you. Or maybe not even forget but to just not care. To be apathetic towards you and your opinions.

I want that day to be today, and then I punish myself even further for not being able to just put you out of my mind. I know you’re not even thinking about me. It all just hurts.